Like God – Conversations with Isaiah 019
September 3, 2009 at 1:11 am | In Conversations with Isaiah | Leave a CommentTags: Boys, Children, Funny, Humor, Innocence, Kids, Mothers, Parenting, Parents, Sons
Me: What are you doing, Zai?
Zai: Playing with my Pokemon cards. They’re having a war.
Me: Is that why they are spread all over your bedroom floor?
Zai: Yes because I have the good guys over there and the bad guys over here and then on this side, I have special forces.
Me: Which one of those are good and bad?
Zai: No… Special Forces are all good, but divided into land and air.
Me: Wow.. you’ve really thought this out.
Zai: Yes.
Me: Who’s going to win? Which side are you going for, good or bad?
Zai: I’m not sure. I haven’t decided because I’m sure they’ll be more wars.
Me: So in essence you’re playing God.
Zai: Yeah, I like to think so, but I’m not really like God because I’m not into all that creation stuff.
The Gnat – Conversations with Isaiah 018
May 16, 2009 at 12:08 pm | In Conversations with Isaiah | 1 CommentTags: Boys, Children, Funny, Humor, Kids, Parenting
Zai: Hi Mommy. I just killed a gnat. You want to know how?
Me: Hmmm… How?
Zai: I flushed it down the toilet.
Me: Uh… how did it get in the toilet?
Zai: I sprayed it with my pee.
Donating Blood
April 24, 2009 at 7:15 pm | In Random Funnies, wordpress.com | 15 CommentsTags: Funny, Humor, Jokes, Life
I work at a hospital and they allow us to donate blood during our work hour.
Nurse: Have you had AIDS or any one of the signs and symptoms for AIDS?
Me: Ummm… let me see. Man! I wish I lost 10lbs… sorry, but ummm… no.
Nurse: Have you ever tested positive for AIDS?
Me: I don’t think I’ve ever tested… uh sorry, no.
Nurse: Are you a male who has sex with another male, even once, since 1977?
Me: Are you serious? Do I really have to answer? Ok, no.
Nurse: Have you ever used a needle, even once, to take any Illegal drugs?
Me: No… not a needle.
Nurse: Have you taken money or drugs for sex?
Me: *Chuckle* No. No.
Nurse: Have you ever given money or drugs for sex?
Me: Uh… No.
Nurse: In the last 12 months, have you ever had sex once with someone who has had AIDS, tested positive for AIDS, or who has had AIDS symptoms?
Me: Haven’t had sex in the last 12 months. Sad. I know. Sorry, no.
Nurse: Are you a current inmate at a correctional facility or have been incarcerated at a correctional facility for 72 consecutive hours?
Me: Would I be sitting here? No.
Nurse: Have you received a blood transplant, organ transplant, or tissue transplant?
Me: Well… I wouldn’t be donating blood if that was the case.
Nurse: Ma’am, will you just answer the questions please, yes or no.
Top 10 Office Weekly 05
April 24, 2009 at 6:49 pm | In Box of Sardine Cans, wordpress.com | 2 CommentsTags: Co-workers, Funny, Humor, Life, Office, Office Humor, Top 10
I’ve been quite bored here at work, but have been trying to keep myself entertained. Here are the Top 10 quotes from this week in no particular order.
- Oh my word, Lord have mercy, that woman has gotten so fat! She had to sit down to scoop the mash potatoes.
- My husband left a post-it on my cubicle wall that says, “husband picture”, and then an arrow pointing down and under that it says, “insert here”.
- Is it time to take a nap?
- I just passed gas as if I were at home.
- I may be fat, but that’s my only vanity issue. Actually, I’m quite comfortable with it.
- Did you know if you donate blood, you get a half day at work? I think losing a pint of blood is worth it.
- I am waiting for my blessing and I know that God won’t bless me with the man I need if I try to rush it. So I told this friend of mine that wants to be “friends with benefits”, “I don’t care if my pie ain’t getting filled. I’m waiting on my blessing and I knoooooow you are not it,” ok?
- Black women want him because he’s the skinny white dude.
- She has men falling all over her. What is her coochie lined in gold or something?
- (Screening for blood donation) Have you ever had sex with a man that’s had sex with another man?
Top 10 Office Weekly 04
April 17, 2009 at 5:55 pm | In Box of Sardine Cans, wordpress.com | 14 CommentsTags: Friends, Funny, Humor, Life, Office, Office Humor, Relationships
It’s about that time again. I’ve been laughing out loud a lot this week. Here is the Top 10 quotes that fluttered through the office in no particular order:
- How do you pee on candy?
- I’m looking for someone. She’s asian, dark hair, and um… if she just got done birthing a baby, where would she be?
- I never use a razor on my down there naughty bits. I use a cooter cutter.
- Last night my dog had diarrhea, this morning she’s licking her tummy, liking her paws, licking and sniffing her ass, and I look at her and say, “Uh… maybe that’s why. Hmmm?”
- In the land of Jesse Helm, you’re guilty by association.
- All I ever wanted from my husband was sex, but then he had to go ahead and put a ring on my finger and take what was supposed to be a one night stand, last forever.
- You need to check out that website millionairesclub.com. My sister says they’re all bald, fat, old, and ugly, but they’re rich.
- I told him he was the best sex I had ever experienced and he didn’t say anything back. I told him I didn’t need a response and that I was just making a statement, but I couldn’t help but wonder, WTF is he thinking?
- Personally, I don’t really care if he’s alright, I only asked to ask. I just wanted to make that known.
- I read on the bulletin that there were duck eggs for sale. And that they can be delivered for $3.00 and I’m thinking to myself, this can’t be ok, just doesn’t sound right.
Over Her Ass
April 17, 2009 at 1:45 pm | In Box of Sardine Cans, wordpress.com | 4 CommentsTags: fart, Friends, Funny, Humor, Office, Office Humor
“Read from bottom to top for this post” – Thanks!!!
—–Original Message—–
From: Helen
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:08 AM
To: Miscellaneous Majority
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Touché
—–Original Message—–
From: Miscellaneous Majority
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:08 AM
To: Helen
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Because we are sick like that.
—–Original Message—–
From: Helen
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:07 AM
To: Miscellaneous Majority
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
LOL… I’m not into anal penetration… my gosh! How did we come this far?
From Fran’s nasty ass to anal penetration?
—–Original Message—–
From: Miscellaneous Majority
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:06 AM
To: Helen
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
“OVER HER ASS” good title…sounds like a porn though.
—–Original Message—–
From: Helen
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:05 AM
To: Allen, Katherine L Ms CIV USA MEDCOM WAMC
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
I seriously am not laughing. I heard her do it and I’ve got my poker face on
and moving on. So over her ass.
—–Original Message—–
From: Miscellaneous Majority
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:03 AM
To: Helen
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
I’m sorry kid. That must be horrific! But I do live near the bathrooms
and habitually smell poop and fruit…so I can totally sympathize with you.
—–Original Message—–
From: Helen
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:02 AM
To: Miscellaneous Majority
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
You know… I think I would laugh… if every now and again, I didn’t get
some faint smell of rotten eggs and think to myself, My effing word! The
woman has done it again. I’m so glad our cubicles are high enough I don’t
have to hide my facial expressions.
—–Original Message—–
From: Miscellaneous Majority
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:01 AM
To: Helen
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
OH Haaaaahahahahaha that’s funny. I’m sorry but a certain SGT in his
office last week did the same thing and I nearly died.
—–Original Message—–
From: Helen
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 9:00 AM
To: Miscellaneous Majority
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Just out loud. At least 3 seconds long… I heard Trish say something but
mumble off into oblivion, probably chuckling to herself. I’m totally over
Fran’s ass. I think she needs medical help.
—–Original Message—–
From: Miscellaneous Majority
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 8:58 AM
To: Helen
Subject: RE: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
LOL!!!!!!
—–Original Message—–
From: Helen
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 8:58 AM
To: Miscellaneous Majority
Subject: omg (UNCLASSIFIED)
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Fran just totally farted. I’m not laughing.
The Art of Non-Sensible Conversation 03
April 14, 2009 at 1:28 am | In The Art of Non-Sensible Conversation, wordpress.com | 8 CommentsTags: diet, Funny, Humor, Life, Office, Silly
Looking through the glass of a vending machine.
helen: hmmmm… what shall i have? (tracing finger across the glass and tapping at each object) shall i have a chex mix? nah… i should have the healthy choice vanilla cream cookies, but a trip to the vending machine calls for something really naughty, something bad bad… hmmmm… cheetos? ah-ha! sniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers. snickers (tapping the glass). you’re the lucky item. yummy yummy!
snickers: no helen. you don’t want me.
helen: oh… (chuckles), but i dooooooooo.
snickers: no helen. don’t do it. i may be chocolatey, covered caramel, peanuts, and ooooey, goooey, goodness, but it’s only temporary…
helen: say no more, snickers! i shall have you. and devour you… every inch of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! mmmmmm… i can taste you right now… melting in my mouth… yermy! (puts first couple coins in slot)
snickers: no helen! i didn’t want to say this! but your ass is getting mighty big! and i’ve seen you walking on your breaks eyeing me as you pass, but you know i’m no good for you! you know it!
helen: shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… damn you snickers! i will have you!!! (continues putting coins in machine) you shall not deter me…
snickers: helen… look… i’m calm now. i’m trying to help you! it’s not about me. it’s about you. and everything you’ve worked towards!
helen: (gives snickers the evil eye)
snickers: listen to me helen! i’m trying to help youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!
helen: muwahahahahaha… (evil sinister laugh as she punches the buttons)
snickers: heeeeeee—leeeeeeen… noooooooooooo (slow-mo sound effects, item drops in the vending machine) !!!
helen: alright snicker man. you got lucky. (helen grabs the healthy choice vanilla cookies out of vending machine)
snickers: (sigh and exhale) helen. you’ll thank me. you won’t regret it.
helen: yeah yeah… neither will my ass. (walks away)
Tricked Again
April 10, 2009 at 10:49 pm | In Random Funnies, wordpress.com | 9 CommentsTags: Friends, Funny, Humor, Life, Love, Relationships
T: You want to know what Tito said to me yesterday?
H: Of course. (Chuckling)
T: We were watching this program on discovery health about a woman who received a face transplant… and I asked Tito, “Oh my gosh! Can you believe this? What if I died and they took my face and put it on someone else? Oh my goodness… could you imagine? What would you do if I died and months later you saw someone walking down the street and she had my face on?
H: I think I saw this program.
T: Do you know what the idiot says to me?
H: (Giggling) What?
T: He says, “Easy. I’d go ask her for her number.”
H: (Laughing Harder) He said what?!?
T: Can you believe that? He said, “Yeah babe. You’re hot! I’d go ask her for her number. Ask her on a date.” I just looked at him dumbfounded. I couldn’t even grasp what he just said. Most people would say, break down and cry or think I’m seeing a ghost. But no. Not Tito. He says, ask her for her number.
H: He’s probably thinking second chances. (Giggling)
T: I’m telling you. He tricked me.
Top 10 Office Weekly 03
April 10, 2009 at 3:11 pm | In Box of Sardine Cans, wordpress.com | 10 CommentsTags: Funny, Humor, Life, Office, Office Humor
This week was kind of dribble drabble, but I managed to get a chuckle in every now and again. Here are the top 10 office quotes for this week in no particular order:
- He had the nerve to ask me if he should still be trying to pursue me. I told him, “Uh, no.”
- If I ever killed someone, I would never throw the body into water. The body is always found when someone dumps it into a river, a pond, a lake… I mean, it doesn’t take much to put a little thought and creativity into getting rid of a body.
- I can’t go walking because my ears are hurting.
- I hated college and all my professors hated me because I wasn’t about to get spoon fed their crap like they had done to them.
- 50 million Elvis fans can’t be wrong.
- Real sex is 10 times better than on web cam… am I wrong or am I right?
- I smell people.
- Did you know Charles Manson was a genius and could see into the 4th dimension?
- She is so quick to give it up so easy. Shit, if I give a man some, you better bet I’m gonna collect on my investment.
- We’re all going to hell in a handbasket.
Anal Probing Part 3
April 10, 2009 at 2:03 pm | In Random Funnies, wordpress.com | 2 CommentsTags: Anal, Friends, Funny, Life, Men, Office Humor
(continued from Anal Probing Part 2)
Simon: Whatever… Don’t knock it until you try it.
Pete: Well I’m definitely not going to try it. (Brian enters Pete’s cubicle area)
Brian: Try what?
Pete: You don’t want to know.
Brian: Well I wish I didn’t know that some guy in our department is bleeding from his ass. (Pete looks confused and Simon looks down) Yeah, someone in our department goes to the bathroom, takes a dump with blood – disgusting, and then doesn’t flush the toilet.
Pete: You didn’t flush the toilet!
Simon: Shhhhhh… I wanted you to take a look at it!
Brian: Oh my… it was you, Simon?
Simon: I was worried so I came over to talk to Pete about it and then I wanted to show him to get his opinion, etc. and we got into a discussion about it.
Brian: Are you going to your doctor?
Simon: No. I think I’m alright. Pete told me about anal fissures and… I mean… It wasn’t a whole lot. You saw it.
Brian: I don’t know what the hell an anal fissure is, but it doesn’t sound good and I’d still want to be sure. I mean… no offense Pete, but you’re an accountant. I’d just want to be sure and then if it is what Pete says it is, then I’d want to know what causes it and how I can avoid getting it. (Pete gives Simon a look and chuckles) What? What’d I miss?
Simon: Nothing.
Brian: Come on… this is serious Simon. I’m worried about you. You should go to the doctor.
Simon: I don’t think it’s a big deal anymore.
Pete: Just tell him. Brian’s cool. (Simon shakes his head and then gives the ok with a wave of his hand) He gets fingered by his wife.
Brian: (Shocked) This is way too much information. (Angela walks into Pete’s cubicle area)
Angela: Who gets fingered by their wife? (Pete and Brian start laughing hysterically) What’d I miss?
Simon: Nothing.
Angela: Bri, did you found out who didn’t flush the toilet? (Pete and Brian continue to laugh harder)
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